Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buying a well is money well spent.

When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”

It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.

LMFAOOOO

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…

my first day as a raccoon

Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.

Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean

– me, as a gynecologist

Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”

oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???

I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.

Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)