Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

You better watch out

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.

People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

you never know what burdens people are dealing with

Very good news from my accountant

Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?

YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

When you forget you’re at the restaurant.

Maybe I’m delusional, but I swear this train is following me.

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.

COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.