My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Weirdos gonna weird.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.