My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.