My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
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date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Is this you?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*