My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
*me flirting
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.