My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
You Might Also Like
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
So that’s what we looked like?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Looking at you, Jesus.
