My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
stop
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.