My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
My funeral better have a fkn merch table
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD