Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”

Yes, I had to google that.

Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.

[hospital]

“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”

WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS

DAD: I’M UP

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

The 6 types of sex

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.