my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
The internet is full of many things
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going