my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
You Might Also Like
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My purse is deeper than some people.
Had to try this trend 😊
Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
A double negative is a big no-no.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Wait a minute…
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Me when I’m ovulating
