my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
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My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.