Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”

Potatoes:

For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.

Probably.

* feels winds of change

* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?

*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.