My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.