My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
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If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Real bees work best
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?