My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right