My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.