my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
🙅🏻
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Wait for it
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb