My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
are they though??
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Your honor these allegations are
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!