Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*

Boss: What are you doing?

Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”

Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.

Will you take winter back now?

Please?

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.

How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?

Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.

How wrong was this guy?

My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

the three branches of government

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.