My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
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Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
I gave up going to work for lent.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
The Weeknd is back
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible