Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*

Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.

Their girlfriends however… not so much.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side

One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.

Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

what my late-night hot pocket sees