Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.

Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying

Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.

[first day in hell]

Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.

Satan: Muahaha!

Me: The air…it’s moist.

Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.

Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.

Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

This guy must be getting annoyed by now

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”

Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord