Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

[first day as pilot]

Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

I don’t believe him.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed

Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*

Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”

Mailman: whatcha doing

Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry

Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor

Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most

No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?