Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Me, reading some of your tweets

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.

94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.

Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!

Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero

*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*

[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.