My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
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Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
