My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
You Might Also Like
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.