Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.

Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

Me: give me all the brisket you have

Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶