My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
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Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
(more comics:
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?