Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”

All the other countries have rectangles

“TWO TRIANGLES”

Alright ok fine

FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.

We’re all getting idioter.

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.

Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize

Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.