I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
This guy at the supermarket walked up to me and I thought he was gonna ask me where a product was but instead he asked for my number because he wanted to take me out, I was surprised but thought it was kinda cool and then I woke up
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.