My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

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I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse


[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*


This guy at the supermarket walked up to me and I thought he was gonna ask me where a product was but instead he asked for my number because he wanted to take me out, I was surprised but thought it was kinda cool and then I woke up


God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?


Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”


Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*


Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.


Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way


Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.