My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
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does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Kids: Stay in school.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up