Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: *gives me two pancakes*

Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.

Husband: And?

Me: Keep stacking, buddy.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station