My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
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DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Cause of death: Zumba
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
#Caturday
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never