@minnie_in_pink7

My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.

As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.

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@QwertyJones3

GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!

ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.

DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!

@carlyken

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

@c12h22o11balls

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

@markedly

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

@ginarush

it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@KKAlThani

Next time you’re not feeling hungry, tell yourself you’re going on a diet in an hour & you’ll unleash the starving African child inside you.

@Whatevah_Amy

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

@EndhooS

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine