My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
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Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.