Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

The glockness monster

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

TREE: omg what happened to you

LOG: i was hacked

6: I’m hungry

Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now

6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?

Husband: Oh no

Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”

Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

May your day taste like creamy soup.