My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”