@deegeemindi

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

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@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

@ShortSleeveSuit

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

@DrakeGatsby

[Hiking]

Me: Want some trail mix?

Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-

Me: All from this trail!

@SteveInevitable

When I’m looking for a parking spot I turn the radio down because clearly I can see better when it’s quieter…

@aimlessamers

Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.

@Rollinintheseat

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”

@hdaniels_00

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

@jlock17

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

@NoTheOtherJohn

*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*