My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.