My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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handsome & gretel
PARKOUR
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
the official breakfast of 2021
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again