My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Midwest trash talk
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out