@Faceyspace

My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

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@smithsara79

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

@ibid78

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.

@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

@Cheeseboy22

Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid’s heart by using the threat of Santa’s naughty list throughout the entire year

@clusterctraits

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

@MetteAngerhofer

Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.