@Faceyspace

My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

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@murrman5

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

@PerfectPending

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

@HereComesCunty

Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone

@clichedout

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@Khanoisseur

Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn

@murrman5

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

@sonictyrant

me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa