My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

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*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good


Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.


Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human


“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”


Parenting tip: Keep the spirit of Christmas alive in your kid’s heart by using the threat of Santa’s naughty list throughout the entire year


<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no


Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.


Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.