[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
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No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.