My Bestie just got banned from Taco Bell. I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

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[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you


I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*


Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?


Why is your kid crying today? Mine didn’t get picked in a game she was playing alone


her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000


My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.


Preferred way to connect with me (ranked most to least):
1. Text
2. Twitter DM
3. Email
4. Phone
5. Climb through my window
6. LinkedIn


wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]


me: *swimming in nile* u dont think there are any alligators in here right

friend: no

me: *eaten alive by crocodiles*

friend: alligators aren’t indigenous to africa