Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.

waiter: what would you like for breakfast?

me: toast

waiter: that’s weird but ok

[taps glass with fork]

waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

accurate

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.

There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.