My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
The struggle is real.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol