My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
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Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Good morning y’all ☀️
