Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”

Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.

She sells c-cells by the seesaw

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

There is wisdom there.

my one true gender

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”