My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.
Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
it’s the silliest best thing
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.