Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

can’t believe there’s a whole clinic for mayonnaise

Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: oh that’s a brilliant question

Interviewer: But what’s the answer?

Me: Sarcasm

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

How do horror writers compete with current events?

Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution

Me: what do you mean?

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg