my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Optional boss fight.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
🙀🙀🙀😹
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.