my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Most Common Source of Electricity
We’re all getting idioter.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too