my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
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guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My age is news to me every single time I remember