my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I’m at that point on a Monday where no.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
