my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“You’re so funny!”
Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘
