my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
