my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
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Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
OH. COME. ON.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.