my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
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DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
