my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Print is alive and well!!!
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
San Francisco has too many rules
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.