my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
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[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
the council will decide your fate
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.