my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 馃檮馃槄 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 馃グ馃挄
Ok so why don鈥檛 we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don鈥檛 know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don鈥檛 mind if he keeps doing it.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I鈥檓 moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
y鈥檃ll I鈥檓 about to get violent cuz wtf
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 馃構
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who鈥檚 there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
