my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
