my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
🤔😂😂
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
