my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. ππ so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak π₯°π
Thereβs a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. Sheβs the mare of the town.
βHindsight is 2020β will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If I see another Laura on Twitter, Iβm going to follow that person.
Iβm not saying Iβm creating an army of Lauras, but Iβm also not *not* saying that.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Yesterday I said the words βclink the lickβ instead of βclick the linkβ because my mouth likes to prank me
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
ππ
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
just weaponized βwith all due respectβ at my condo board. and now we wait.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I canβt find it
I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
It’s an epidemic…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
