my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Did…did a minotaur write this
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Dead
Alive
Other✔
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Husband: “What’s for dinner?”
Me: “Nothing”
Husband: “I had that last night!”
Me: “I know,I made enough for two nights.”
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
