my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
