my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
🖕🏻👽
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
