my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
sin harder.
s
oc
i
a
l
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
