My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
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If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs