Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Potatoes were such a good idea

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

Support your local cemetery

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.