my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
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me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
*3.5 thank you very much.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.