My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down