My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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me irl
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
sliding into dms like
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*