Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.

Genie: You get 3 wishes

Me: I wish you were terrible at math

Genie: You only have 14 more wishes

I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party

Also, I tried Ambien

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”

[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?

[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

wishing you and yours all the best

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself

” What would Homer Simpson do?”

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son

jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend: