My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.