My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics