Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh boy, $150,000!

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

nobody:

90’s boybands:

(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.

In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.