Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?

ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!

CACTUS: 🌵

DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead

my astrological sign is a french fry

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.