My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
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Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Choose your fighter
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
A Short Story.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day